The next chapter

How exactly do you gain forgiveness? I know by asking for it but what if its you wanting to forgive someone or even God. TO the regular Christian person I get the same answer its not ok to be angry with God, question God, or even wonder if God exists sometimes. I do know God is real I have talked to him, had prayers answered, but like our own children when things do not go the way we think they should have we get angry feel unloved and unwanted. This year I came clean with my mom about my anger and sometimes even hatred towards her. Granted I have a very long way to go its not easy for my family to say why do you bother or obsess with that instead of favoring God? Because I am still that little girl that needs her moms approval. I have came to the conclusion that what I am dealing with now is a test rather than a punishment. No one has a clue how many days or nights I spent high just so I did not feel anything I have came a long way. Yesterday I sent out thank you notes to those of you who did a little extra special for me. I did leave out a few people but I did so on purpose. I want to say it in person.

I am a person with a big heart and sometimes I get taken advantage of by my so called friends. I can also in the turn of a second be selfish. I get hurt when I do not get attention I (demand) I deserve. I have a couple of sisters who I feel hate me and when they say anything its some generic message. Right now I need them to simply say hey jamie we love you. Without the judgement or hurt. Take me as I am I know I have made mistakes plenty but so have you! You are NOT better than I am because you live in another state, I got married at 16 and had 3 kids at 19, or even because I use drugs.

My husband thinks prayer is the answer and God is the answer but that part of me that still says hey God if you are there why did you let me get pregnant and kill my baby? Why did you let me get pregnant? Raped abused, feel unloved? WHY WHY WHY? Free will? logically that is the answer. I can still be angry! I have asked several to pray for my illness and all I can think is Jamie if you get healed people are going to say you made the whole thing up. Just like I made up my aunt (E) and Lynn abusing me as a child or my other cousin who convinced me at 12 it was ok to have sex with him when he was working for my daddy. I also found out I was not this ones only victim. WHY? why me

When I have tried to turn my life over to god its been well she is high so its the drugs talking. Or the she is putting on an act. I worry about what people think of me and constantly dwell on that which has been done to me.

I forgave my mom this year and now she is my mommy again its not easy for people to understand why I have that need. I am still a kid I still need my mommy and I still love her. I feel like I DESERVE to talk to Edith and Lynn about the hell that was inflicted on me as a kid. Not because I want to kill them but because I need to get it out for me. I am going to die sooner than later and I deserve the right to face my abusers just as anyone has that right.

My uncle who has been there for me to help me for years sometimes treats people better than me. He has accused me more than once of stealing from him or keeping money. He is hurtful and he knows it. I have not stolen from him I have stayed with him in the hospital when his wife was too busy. Cried for him while he was sick. All I want is an I am sorry Jamie, I need to hear the words. His so called friends tell me his wife talks about people well I know what she has said about me and when they see this they will more likely than not be mad cut me off and pretend I am the most God Awful bitch  in the world. I love my aunt even if she comes off as rude and crass at times. I know Jamie why not cut them off from your life? Because I love them and need them in my life that is why!
(IF YOU ARE GOING TO QUOTE THIS TO THEM USE A DIRECT QUOTE)
Last night I took sleeping pills from a best friend because shes taking her sons pills and its a dangerous game shes playing. Its like here I come drug addict city! MY god what the fuck are you thinking? You are all your child has. She asked me to read some stuff also she is begging a man to love her. To come home to her a low life son of a bitch who don't deserve the air in the sky much less her forgiveness! You are selling yourself short. YOU KNOW IT! You have to get your kid under control NOW everyone knows all he does is net 24/7 and you let him and make one excuse after another because that is way easier than dealing with what you know you are doing. Your other kid well he wants nothing to do with you because you threaten and demand I would not let you do the things you ask of him neither!  You tell him I am going to do this as if he has no say. Now he is an ass to you running up your bills and skipping and not helping an ass and a lair and supposed to be a Christian?  that isn't how that works even a heathen like me knows better. You have also kept asking me to do things I have told you time after time I can not do. Now the good part is she is a real friend unlike her neighbor who used me. Shes like my sister. She is the one person I can talk to. BUT STRAIGHTEN UP! and make your kid get a life (insert excuse here) I am only trying to help you and him. When you read this you will more than likely not be my friend but hey I'm trying.



So this is what I want be careful about what you say and do to people in the end it all matters people matter. What you left unsaid matters! So for the next great while I am going to be doing this if you cant hack it do not read it!