Sometimes it
takes something tragic to make everything work out.. I am actually feeling
scared and blessed today I got up at 6 and feel like I actually rested. That is
something most of you take for granted. Unless you suffer from insomnia like I
do. I fell into a horrid trap of getting myself beyond messed up for years on ambient
which is a sleep medication, one day I realized hey I am a low life druggie
just like the ones my husband is always bitching about. I cannot help but think maybe I deserve what
is happening to me. Trust me I have had
many wake up calls thinking I had taken too many drugs and this is the finial
call. Last month I tried to kill myself by taking over 30 pills and hoping I
would not wake up because I was hurting deep inside I felt unwanted and
unloved. I remember praying God please do not let me wake up. I am still here then a couple weeks ago I got
very bad news about my health now here I am saying God please let me live. How does God distinguish between the
two? I am nothing just a shell of a
person who has done nothing extraordinary. I make so many mistakes on a daily
basis and sometimes say things that are so hurtful. I take god’s name in vein I
cuss like a sailor so why should god help me? The answer is he shouldn’t but he
loves me and he will. Just like how I love my own children. Some days they hurt
my feelings, cuss, fight, or just ignore me as if I do not exist. Just like the
way I hurt God sometimes. But I forgive them just as God forgives me. I am not perfect
I am not a by the book Christian I may never be there. I am getting everything
I ever wanted in this moment my husband is working his ass off every day to
provide for us. Then he comes here and takes care of me, helps with supper,
even cleans the house and I don’t always thank him. He teaches me about God and
sometimes puts me in check (which I hate) I look up to him admire him and I
love him. He is the one person I worry about when I do things I should not do.
It hurts me to the core when I think I let him down or if I know I have hurt
him in any way. We have had a lot of trouble in our marriage but he has stuck
by me at my worst and been there thru the best.
If there was one single thing I could do or say to let him know how much
I love and respect him I would say it but I can’t. All I can do is say I love
you Rocky with all my heart. Another
person I look up to is my mommy and my sisters, Or relationship is back on track
and this year I get to go see them all I am so excited to go I cannot wait. Now
on to my kids I love them unconditionally My Stacy is pretty much the perfect
mom to her son Jordan (a bit overprotective) and that makes her perfect. I even love my son in law even if I want to
choke him. Kristen is giving me a new grand baby and has stepped up to give me
advice and encouragement. She is going to be a great mommy also. She is
planning her future and has set goals. I am so very proud although I hardly
ever say is. MY little Cindy she has helped around the house taken care of me,
sat with me when I felt I had nothing and no one. Cindy keeps a lot inside and
hardly ever complains she is going to be a strong person like Rocky is. Looking
at these three I can’t help think Rocky and I aren’t the best parents but we
sure did something right.
His family
and I still are not on track just yet. I hear how they talk about me and how I
am made fun of for being fat, or being a bitch. Or even how I am a horrible mom
or how I treat rocky bad. Well I also know I should not give a rats ass about
how this bunch treats me because lord knows they screw up too. They get drunk
around their kids, cuss, set bad examples, let trashy druggies around their
children, and gossip and cause drama. I have no need to mention which ones do
what. I know not many of them care for
me but I still love them yes despite how I am treated I love them. I hope
someday they can act right and quit tearing others up and realize what they run
and tell it destroys people.
I love you
all . If I made anyone mad well I do not care J
Last blog
some stupid idiot from Flatgap/redbush ran and told my uncle a bunch of stuff
that I had said about him. They also lead him to believe I said stuff on topix
about him which I did not I do not post on that trashy site and do not read it
unlike you do. I know exactly who said
it to him to and let me tell you something I may be nice to you when you are at
my uncles house pretending to be his friend and we all know you just use him to
get what you want. You my dear are NO friend at all. You are trash and always
will be. You like to lie and cause drama. Let this be your warning cause
trouble in my family again you will know just how much I cannot stand you, you
will deal with me on a personal level and it won’t be so good for you. Even his
wife can see thru you and just how you are. The only one clueless is my
uncle. Now I won’t run and tell your “secrets”
and yes I know them so does everyone else. I will say this one last time do not DO NOT
FUCK WITH MY FAMILY. I can and will destroy you one way or another and I will
make shit crumble around you. I have lots of proof of shit I can use against
you so the best you can do is put on your big girl panties and apologize for
lying on me and causing me hurt and causing my uncle to hurt. I will be the
bigger person and let it go after that. Until then do not speak to me when you
see me cause you are nothing but a two faced liar.
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