Good the bad and the UGLY 2 faced:)

Sometimes it takes something tragic to make everything work out.. I am actually feeling scared and blessed today I got up at 6 and feel like I actually rested. That is something most of you take for granted. Unless you suffer from insomnia like I do. I fell into a horrid trap of getting myself beyond messed up for years on ambient which is a sleep medication, one day I realized hey I am a low life druggie just like the ones my husband is always bitching about.  I cannot help but think maybe I deserve what is happening to me.   Trust me I have had many wake up calls thinking I had taken too many drugs and this is the finial call. Last month I tried to kill myself by taking over 30 pills and hoping I would not wake up because I was hurting deep inside I felt unwanted and unloved. I remember praying God please do not let me wake up.  I am still here then a couple weeks ago I got very bad news about my health now here I am saying God please let me live.  How does God distinguish between the two?  I am nothing just a shell of a person who has done nothing extraordinary. I make so many mistakes on a daily basis and sometimes say things that are so hurtful. I take god’s name in vein I cuss like a sailor so why should god help me? The answer is he shouldn’t but he loves me and he will. Just like how I love my own children. Some days they hurt my feelings, cuss, fight, or just ignore me as if I do not exist. Just like the way I hurt God sometimes. But I forgive them just as God forgives me. I am not perfect I am not a by the book Christian I may never be there. I am getting everything I ever wanted in this moment my husband is working his ass off every day to provide for us. Then he comes here and takes care of me, helps with supper, even cleans the house and I don’t always thank him. He teaches me about God and sometimes puts me in check (which I hate) I look up to him admire him and I love him. He is the one person I worry about when I do things I should not do. It hurts me to the core when I think I let him down or if I know I have hurt him in any way. We have had a lot of trouble in our marriage but he has stuck by me at my worst and been there thru the best.  If there was one single thing I could do or say to let him know how much I love and respect him I would say it but I can’t. All I can do is say I love you Rocky with all my heart.  Another person I look up to is my mommy and my sisters, Or relationship is back on track and this year I get to go see them all I am so excited to go I cannot wait. Now on to my kids I love them unconditionally My Stacy is pretty much the perfect mom to her son Jordan (a bit overprotective) and that makes her perfect.  I even love my son in law even if I want to choke him. Kristen is giving me a new grand baby and has stepped up to give me advice and encouragement. She is going to be a great mommy also. She is planning her future and has set goals. I am so very proud although I hardly ever say is. MY little Cindy she has helped around the house taken care of me, sat with me when I felt I had nothing and no one. Cindy keeps a lot inside and hardly ever complains she is going to be a strong person like Rocky is. Looking at these three I can’t help think Rocky and I aren’t the best parents but we sure did something right.

His family and I still are not on track just yet. I hear how they talk about me and how I am made fun of for being fat, or being a bitch. Or even how I am a horrible mom or how I treat rocky bad. Well I also know I should not give a rats ass about how this bunch treats me because lord knows they screw up too. They get drunk around their kids, cuss, set bad examples, let trashy druggies around their children, and gossip and cause drama. I have no need to mention which ones do what.  I know not many of them care for me but I still love them yes despite how I am treated I love them. I hope someday they can act right and quit tearing others up and realize what they run and tell it destroys people.

I love you all . If I made anyone mad well I do not care J

Last blog some stupid idiot from Flatgap/redbush ran and told my uncle a bunch of stuff that I had said about him. They also lead him to believe I said stuff on topix about him which I did not I do not post on that trashy site and do not read it unlike you do.  I know exactly who said it to him to and let me tell you something I may be nice to you when you are at my uncles house pretending to be his friend and we all know you just use him to get what you want. You my dear are NO friend at all. You are trash and always will be. You like to lie and cause drama. Let this be your warning cause trouble in my family again you will know just how much I cannot stand you, you will deal with me on a personal level and it won’t be so good for you. Even his wife can see thru you and just how you are. The only one clueless is my uncle.  Now I won’t run and tell your “secrets” and yes I know them so does everyone else.  I will say this one last time do not DO NOT FUCK WITH MY FAMILY. I can and will destroy you one way or another and I will make shit crumble around you. I have lots of proof of shit I can use against you so the best you can do is put on your big girl panties and apologize for lying on me and causing me hurt and causing my uncle to hurt. I will be the bigger person and let it go after that. Until then do not speak to me when you see me cause you are nothing but a two faced liar.

The next chapter

How exactly do you gain forgiveness? I know by asking for it but what if its you wanting to forgive someone or even God. TO the regular Christian person I get the same answer its not ok to be angry with God, question God, or even wonder if God exists sometimes. I do know God is real I have talked to him, had prayers answered, but like our own children when things do not go the way we think they should have we get angry feel unloved and unwanted. This year I came clean with my mom about my anger and sometimes even hatred towards her. Granted I have a very long way to go its not easy for my family to say why do you bother or obsess with that instead of favoring God? Because I am still that little girl that needs her moms approval. I have came to the conclusion that what I am dealing with now is a test rather than a punishment. No one has a clue how many days or nights I spent high just so I did not feel anything I have came a long way. Yesterday I sent out thank you notes to those of you who did a little extra special for me. I did leave out a few people but I did so on purpose. I want to say it in person.

I am a person with a big heart and sometimes I get taken advantage of by my so called friends. I can also in the turn of a second be selfish. I get hurt when I do not get attention I (demand) I deserve. I have a couple of sisters who I feel hate me and when they say anything its some generic message. Right now I need them to simply say hey jamie we love you. Without the judgement or hurt. Take me as I am I know I have made mistakes plenty but so have you! You are NOT better than I am because you live in another state, I got married at 16 and had 3 kids at 19, or even because I use drugs.

My husband thinks prayer is the answer and God is the answer but that part of me that still says hey God if you are there why did you let me get pregnant and kill my baby? Why did you let me get pregnant? Raped abused, feel unloved? WHY WHY WHY? Free will? logically that is the answer. I can still be angry! I have asked several to pray for my illness and all I can think is Jamie if you get healed people are going to say you made the whole thing up. Just like I made up my aunt (E) and Lynn abusing me as a child or my other cousin who convinced me at 12 it was ok to have sex with him when he was working for my daddy. I also found out I was not this ones only victim. WHY? why me

When I have tried to turn my life over to god its been well she is high so its the drugs talking. Or the she is putting on an act. I worry about what people think of me and constantly dwell on that which has been done to me.

I forgave my mom this year and now she is my mommy again its not easy for people to understand why I have that need. I am still a kid I still need my mommy and I still love her. I feel like I DESERVE to talk to Edith and Lynn about the hell that was inflicted on me as a kid. Not because I want to kill them but because I need to get it out for me. I am going to die sooner than later and I deserve the right to face my abusers just as anyone has that right.

My uncle who has been there for me to help me for years sometimes treats people better than me. He has accused me more than once of stealing from him or keeping money. He is hurtful and he knows it. I have not stolen from him I have stayed with him in the hospital when his wife was too busy. Cried for him while he was sick. All I want is an I am sorry Jamie, I need to hear the words. His so called friends tell me his wife talks about people well I know what she has said about me and when they see this they will more likely than not be mad cut me off and pretend I am the most God Awful bitch  in the world. I love my aunt even if she comes off as rude and crass at times. I know Jamie why not cut them off from your life? Because I love them and need them in my life that is why!
(IF YOU ARE GOING TO QUOTE THIS TO THEM USE A DIRECT QUOTE)
Last night I took sleeping pills from a best friend because shes taking her sons pills and its a dangerous game shes playing. Its like here I come drug addict city! MY god what the fuck are you thinking? You are all your child has. She asked me to read some stuff also she is begging a man to love her. To come home to her a low life son of a bitch who don't deserve the air in the sky much less her forgiveness! You are selling yourself short. YOU KNOW IT! You have to get your kid under control NOW everyone knows all he does is net 24/7 and you let him and make one excuse after another because that is way easier than dealing with what you know you are doing. Your other kid well he wants nothing to do with you because you threaten and demand I would not let you do the things you ask of him neither!  You tell him I am going to do this as if he has no say. Now he is an ass to you running up your bills and skipping and not helping an ass and a lair and supposed to be a Christian?  that isn't how that works even a heathen like me knows better. You have also kept asking me to do things I have told you time after time I can not do. Now the good part is she is a real friend unlike her neighbor who used me. Shes like my sister. She is the one person I can talk to. BUT STRAIGHTEN UP! and make your kid get a life (insert excuse here) I am only trying to help you and him. When you read this you will more than likely not be my friend but hey I'm trying.



So this is what I want be careful about what you say and do to people in the end it all matters people matter. What you left unsaid matters! So for the next great while I am going to be doing this if you cant hack it do not read it!