Good the bad and the UGLY 2 faced:)

Sometimes it takes something tragic to make everything work out.. I am actually feeling scared and blessed today I got up at 6 and feel like I actually rested. That is something most of you take for granted. Unless you suffer from insomnia like I do. I fell into a horrid trap of getting myself beyond messed up for years on ambient which is a sleep medication, one day I realized hey I am a low life druggie just like the ones my husband is always bitching about.  I cannot help but think maybe I deserve what is happening to me.   Trust me I have had many wake up calls thinking I had taken too many drugs and this is the finial call. Last month I tried to kill myself by taking over 30 pills and hoping I would not wake up because I was hurting deep inside I felt unwanted and unloved. I remember praying God please do not let me wake up.  I am still here then a couple weeks ago I got very bad news about my health now here I am saying God please let me live.  How does God distinguish between the two?  I am nothing just a shell of a person who has done nothing extraordinary. I make so many mistakes on a daily basis and sometimes say things that are so hurtful. I take god’s name in vein I cuss like a sailor so why should god help me? The answer is he shouldn’t but he loves me and he will. Just like how I love my own children. Some days they hurt my feelings, cuss, fight, or just ignore me as if I do not exist. Just like the way I hurt God sometimes. But I forgive them just as God forgives me. I am not perfect I am not a by the book Christian I may never be there. I am getting everything I ever wanted in this moment my husband is working his ass off every day to provide for us. Then he comes here and takes care of me, helps with supper, even cleans the house and I don’t always thank him. He teaches me about God and sometimes puts me in check (which I hate) I look up to him admire him and I love him. He is the one person I worry about when I do things I should not do. It hurts me to the core when I think I let him down or if I know I have hurt him in any way. We have had a lot of trouble in our marriage but he has stuck by me at my worst and been there thru the best.  If there was one single thing I could do or say to let him know how much I love and respect him I would say it but I can’t. All I can do is say I love you Rocky with all my heart.  Another person I look up to is my mommy and my sisters, Or relationship is back on track and this year I get to go see them all I am so excited to go I cannot wait. Now on to my kids I love them unconditionally My Stacy is pretty much the perfect mom to her son Jordan (a bit overprotective) and that makes her perfect.  I even love my son in law even if I want to choke him. Kristen is giving me a new grand baby and has stepped up to give me advice and encouragement. She is going to be a great mommy also. She is planning her future and has set goals. I am so very proud although I hardly ever say is. MY little Cindy she has helped around the house taken care of me, sat with me when I felt I had nothing and no one. Cindy keeps a lot inside and hardly ever complains she is going to be a strong person like Rocky is. Looking at these three I can’t help think Rocky and I aren’t the best parents but we sure did something right.

His family and I still are not on track just yet. I hear how they talk about me and how I am made fun of for being fat, or being a bitch. Or even how I am a horrible mom or how I treat rocky bad. Well I also know I should not give a rats ass about how this bunch treats me because lord knows they screw up too. They get drunk around their kids, cuss, set bad examples, let trashy druggies around their children, and gossip and cause drama. I have no need to mention which ones do what.  I know not many of them care for me but I still love them yes despite how I am treated I love them. I hope someday they can act right and quit tearing others up and realize what they run and tell it destroys people.

I love you all . If I made anyone mad well I do not care J

Last blog some stupid idiot from Flatgap/redbush ran and told my uncle a bunch of stuff that I had said about him. They also lead him to believe I said stuff on topix about him which I did not I do not post on that trashy site and do not read it unlike you do.  I know exactly who said it to him to and let me tell you something I may be nice to you when you are at my uncles house pretending to be his friend and we all know you just use him to get what you want. You my dear are NO friend at all. You are trash and always will be. You like to lie and cause drama. Let this be your warning cause trouble in my family again you will know just how much I cannot stand you, you will deal with me on a personal level and it won’t be so good for you. Even his wife can see thru you and just how you are. The only one clueless is my uncle.  Now I won’t run and tell your “secrets” and yes I know them so does everyone else.  I will say this one last time do not DO NOT FUCK WITH MY FAMILY. I can and will destroy you one way or another and I will make shit crumble around you. I have lots of proof of shit I can use against you so the best you can do is put on your big girl panties and apologize for lying on me and causing me hurt and causing my uncle to hurt. I will be the bigger person and let it go after that. Until then do not speak to me when you see me cause you are nothing but a two faced liar.

The next chapter

How exactly do you gain forgiveness? I know by asking for it but what if its you wanting to forgive someone or even God. TO the regular Christian person I get the same answer its not ok to be angry with God, question God, or even wonder if God exists sometimes. I do know God is real I have talked to him, had prayers answered, but like our own children when things do not go the way we think they should have we get angry feel unloved and unwanted. This year I came clean with my mom about my anger and sometimes even hatred towards her. Granted I have a very long way to go its not easy for my family to say why do you bother or obsess with that instead of favoring God? Because I am still that little girl that needs her moms approval. I have came to the conclusion that what I am dealing with now is a test rather than a punishment. No one has a clue how many days or nights I spent high just so I did not feel anything I have came a long way. Yesterday I sent out thank you notes to those of you who did a little extra special for me. I did leave out a few people but I did so on purpose. I want to say it in person.

I am a person with a big heart and sometimes I get taken advantage of by my so called friends. I can also in the turn of a second be selfish. I get hurt when I do not get attention I (demand) I deserve. I have a couple of sisters who I feel hate me and when they say anything its some generic message. Right now I need them to simply say hey jamie we love you. Without the judgement or hurt. Take me as I am I know I have made mistakes plenty but so have you! You are NOT better than I am because you live in another state, I got married at 16 and had 3 kids at 19, or even because I use drugs.

My husband thinks prayer is the answer and God is the answer but that part of me that still says hey God if you are there why did you let me get pregnant and kill my baby? Why did you let me get pregnant? Raped abused, feel unloved? WHY WHY WHY? Free will? logically that is the answer. I can still be angry! I have asked several to pray for my illness and all I can think is Jamie if you get healed people are going to say you made the whole thing up. Just like I made up my aunt (E) and Lynn abusing me as a child or my other cousin who convinced me at 12 it was ok to have sex with him when he was working for my daddy. I also found out I was not this ones only victim. WHY? why me

When I have tried to turn my life over to god its been well she is high so its the drugs talking. Or the she is putting on an act. I worry about what people think of me and constantly dwell on that which has been done to me.

I forgave my mom this year and now she is my mommy again its not easy for people to understand why I have that need. I am still a kid I still need my mommy and I still love her. I feel like I DESERVE to talk to Edith and Lynn about the hell that was inflicted on me as a kid. Not because I want to kill them but because I need to get it out for me. I am going to die sooner than later and I deserve the right to face my abusers just as anyone has that right.

My uncle who has been there for me to help me for years sometimes treats people better than me. He has accused me more than once of stealing from him or keeping money. He is hurtful and he knows it. I have not stolen from him I have stayed with him in the hospital when his wife was too busy. Cried for him while he was sick. All I want is an I am sorry Jamie, I need to hear the words. His so called friends tell me his wife talks about people well I know what she has said about me and when they see this they will more likely than not be mad cut me off and pretend I am the most God Awful bitch  in the world. I love my aunt even if she comes off as rude and crass at times. I know Jamie why not cut them off from your life? Because I love them and need them in my life that is why!
(IF YOU ARE GOING TO QUOTE THIS TO THEM USE A DIRECT QUOTE)
Last night I took sleeping pills from a best friend because shes taking her sons pills and its a dangerous game shes playing. Its like here I come drug addict city! MY god what the fuck are you thinking? You are all your child has. She asked me to read some stuff also she is begging a man to love her. To come home to her a low life son of a bitch who don't deserve the air in the sky much less her forgiveness! You are selling yourself short. YOU KNOW IT! You have to get your kid under control NOW everyone knows all he does is net 24/7 and you let him and make one excuse after another because that is way easier than dealing with what you know you are doing. Your other kid well he wants nothing to do with you because you threaten and demand I would not let you do the things you ask of him neither!  You tell him I am going to do this as if he has no say. Now he is an ass to you running up your bills and skipping and not helping an ass and a lair and supposed to be a Christian?  that isn't how that works even a heathen like me knows better. You have also kept asking me to do things I have told you time after time I can not do. Now the good part is she is a real friend unlike her neighbor who used me. Shes like my sister. She is the one person I can talk to. BUT STRAIGHTEN UP! and make your kid get a life (insert excuse here) I am only trying to help you and him. When you read this you will more than likely not be my friend but hey I'm trying.



So this is what I want be careful about what you say and do to people in the end it all matters people matter. What you left unsaid matters! So for the next great while I am going to be doing this if you cant hack it do not read it!

wishing just for love

I guess I am back to being an evil no account. I did something last night simply because I needed to feel well nothing. I wanted to know nothing just to forget the pain. All day yesterday I fought back the tears of rockys tirade, the health department telling me I HAVE to fix the septic system and my uncle running off at the mouth about money my dad owed him which I have no fucking control over. Then I go to vist and just be nice only to have aunt Merle tell me how stupid I am which is a CONSTANT thing with her. She is as miserable as I am and acts like the happiest person in the world the constant let downs are getting to much for me. I beg and pray nightly for death. My husband no longer wants me even though he claims he does its nothing more that words to get me to shut up. My so called friends well all they are about is give me take me loan me buy me.Take me to my boyfriends house that talked shit about you. Or the person that I told your secrets too. I have one that as soon as the words do not tell anyone come out of her mouth it flys out like a bird looking for a fish to eat. Now I can not trust her at all. I am about to tell her I know that is the end of our friendship but I guess its all about her anyway.   My cousin Mary actually makes me feel like part of a family why couldn’t I be around her more? I honestly need help all right help to be loved and accepted. No one knows what its like waking up daily knowing you killed your unborn child and now your teen age daughter is the same amount along as I was way back is making big plans and is so very happy. My mom can’t even put forth the effort to pick up a phone and call.Dont matter how much effort I put forth hell a fuck you or kiss my ass would even be nice at this point. Now for me and the big man *both of em)  God hates me this I am sure of I know who god is I know where he is yet again how can I unconditionally love something that never helps me as I cry out? Rocky well the no attention, I am so much better than you and in Gods favor is finally gotten me to my breaking point. I am proud of my husband every day but perfect is not. Normal peoples share intimacy he says I do not come to him why do that when he will make me feel worthless? Why allow it? One time I want to be the grown up bully not the little beat down girl I was. One time I would like to get out and run wild as I have been accused of. I mean here I am starving myself to make him want me. Do you think he cares? Not at all its just another lecture a mother let down and a mother pain I can do nothing about. When I say I wish I could die in my sleep I mean it. No existence has to be better than the pain.

Random poetry

By my side16+9+9

By Jamie Maire Ramey Curtis

Today I let you go
Without a last goodbye
Today I lost a part of me
But I still feel you by my side
\I am taking in the memories
We shared so long ago
But still they seem like yesterday
Thinking about where we've been what we've done
And wondering why did you have to go?
Searching for the answers within my self
Looking at the old pictures of us upon the shelf
\Already a year has gone by
There are still days when I do nothing but cry
I know you all looking down on us from time to time
I can feel your presence in the air and when the sun begins to shine
And although you are gone I still feel you by my side

This is my original work - Claim this Poem

IN my dreams

By Jamie Maire Ramey Curtis
If I reach out to touch you would you take my hand
I try to talk to you but cant seem to understand
I wonder why you had to go so soonwhy you had to die
When you deserved to be happy to live and enjoy your life
Why is it all I can do is cry
I lost a part of my heart when you said goodbye
I took for granted that we would have tomorrow or next time
Then I blinked and you were gone
All I have are the memories of you and me
And what I thought would always be
Now I have lost you and can only see
you in my dreams
And wish I had only told you what you ment to me
I don't think I will ever get
that chance to see your smile again
Or feel your touch on my skin
But I will hold you within my heart and hope to see you in my dreams
and hold you once again
This is my original work - Claim this Poem

Was It All A Lie

By Jamie Maire Ramey Curtis
I am looking at the memories I hold inside my head
Looking at my broken heart and what you meant to me
Thinking about where our love went
And the vowels we said
You promised to love me forever but those were just empty words
You think you are so perfect like you havent treated me wrong
Tell me if that's true why do I feel alone
I have told you that I love you
You say you have your doubts
I tried to talk things over
But all we do is shout
I don't know the man in front of me looking with your empty eyes
Did you ever love me or was it all a lie?

Reflections

By Jamie Curtis
As I sit here writing this,I look back on the years...
I look back to the things I've done people I've met,
and things I remember...But most of all I look inside myself,
to see the person I've become. How these years have changed me...
In our lives people come and go,but the ones we love,
touch our hearts and we're never the same...
As I look ahead into the future I wonder...
What will become of me and the people I love?
What will happen to us ?
the memories we have?
What does life have in store for us?
What paths are we all going to take?
Will we ever meet again?
What will the future bring?
time can only tell us what paths we'll take...

ost

By Jamie Curtis
Sometimes I wonder where i've been,
and where I'm going.
Where do I belong,
in this great big world?
I feel so lost sometimes,
so empty,so misguided,
and so alone...
This smile that you see,
is only a mask,
thats hiding the real me.
The pain and loneliness,
that I carry,is more than most can bear.
Wheres the one that can make me smile?
and tell me that everything
will be alright.
The one that'll make me,
feel like I belong somewhere,
in this great big world....

How Much

By Jamie Marie Curtis
How much pain can I take?
How much more before my mind breaks?
How do I live
How do I strive
Knowing that you are no longer by my side
How much more
How empty can I feel
when do I realize I am not dreaming it's all real
Why should I go on
Why am I in pain
Why does it hurt why do I have to cry
I wonder will I ever be the same
Will I ever see you again ?
If I don't I want you know I love you
and in my heart you will forever remain.

All my pain is gone

By Jamie Marie Curtis
When I look into your big bright eyes I can see no wrong
And when your little angel voice blesses me with a beautiful song
I think about these precious moments and all my pain is gone
When you smile at me I can see a new day
and when I hear your laughter It lightens up my way
When I lye down beside you I feel I am where I belong
When you say Mommy I love you all my pain is gone
The more I get to know you the more I learn from you
And even when you are into mischief I still love everything you do
And just when I feel empty sad or alone
I look at your litte faces and all my pain is gone

Searching

By Jamie Marie Curtis
Searching for love
Searching for my soal
Searching for an anwser
and for someone to hold
I looked and I wated
I watched and I prayed
but still I had nothing
At the end of the day
So I cried and I begged
and wonderd why did I have nothing
no one to hold
I cried so long thinking
Where did my life go?
So hopeless and empty and oh so alone
I still keep searching
for some one to hold

I threw it all away

By Jamie Marie Curtis
Today I threw away my memories
I got rid of all my pain
So sick of all the worries
And having no place to turn
Its buried within my sole
Far away from earth
In a time of rage and a single
Moment in time
I decided to let it all go
And leave it all behind
For I couldn't stand the pain any more
So today I threw it all away

Love That Will Never Be

By Jamie Marie Curtis
I finally found the one
The one I want forever
I see him when I close my eyes
I can feel his arms wrapping around me
I long for him just to tell me that he wants me too
The moments keep slipping away
Waiting for the words but they don't come
He never says he loves me
I imagine in my head what it would be like
Just to have him hold me
To feel his warmth against my skin
To lay and just watch him breath
He is everything I ever hoped for
I am in love with something that will never be

My Love Wasnt Enough

By Jamie Marie Curtis
Would you even care if I weren't around
I guess it would bother you not to have me to push around
You think your something else when you act the way you do
Tell me what you will think when I say its threw
I am so sick of all the pain
So tired of all the hurt so tired of all the blame
I cant stand it any more
Life will never be like it was before
I tried to make it work I tried and tried to stay
I even acted like it was all my fault at the end of every day
You must think I am so week
Crying and begging you to just speak
I love you more than you will know
It will hurt me when I go
I deserve to be happy and to be kissed and touched
But I guess that's your problem my love wasn't enough

The Day We Said Forever

By Jamie Marie Curtis
The day we said for ever is a day I cant forget
When you said you loved me and then you kissed my lips
You held me in your arms and I knew we were meant to be
We would share a life of joy and we would be happy
Today I looked into you eyes and I saw your love was gone
I keep wondering what I did to make it all go wrong
You tell me with your words that you truly care
But when you touch me now I feel nothing is there
I try to act like its all ok
But the loneliness is killing me inside
I want to tell you all of this but my feelings I have to hide
I try to talk but
I don't know what to say
I am afraid of being alone and that is why I stay
I deserve to be loved
Not to be deceived with empty words and lies
Yet you mean the world to me and I don't know why

The silent love

By Jamie Marie Curtis
I can look into your eyes and I can see you love me
I can feel your love from a million miles away
I only wish I could share your love the way you want me to
But to say I could would be untrue
I cant be your life and soul mate
Or even enjoy your touch
Your smile melts my heart your kindness makes me cry
But it can never be and we both know why
I would live a thousand life's just to see your face
Still I couldn't enjoy your warm embrace
I don't want to hurt you or cause you any pain
I just want you to know in my heart you will always remain
To know that you love me has gave me so much joy
To feel you kindness has given me so much to live for
To know I cant have you has hurt me more than you will ever know
You will always be my angel my gift from god above
I know that you can feel my silent love

When I Close My Eyes

By Jamie Marie Curtis
Just beyond the sunset Beyond the
crystal seas I can imagine heavens gates
And see you are waiting there for me
I can see your smile so loving and so
true I can see you big bright eyes
I just close my eyes and see it when I am
felling blueI can still hear your voice
It echoes in the wind
And when I want to hear it
I just close my eyes again
I know that you can hear me
I know that you can see
I know you can feel the hurt inside of me
I lost a part of me when you died
But you are alive inside my heart
So all I have to do is close my eyes
And we are not far apart

Tell Me

By Jamie Marie Curtis
Where were you when I need you most
Where were you when I was scared and
alone
Why wasn't you there to hold me and help
me thru
Why couldn't you hold me while I was setting there crying
Why did you do nothing while my
attackers set there and said I was
lying
I was your child
I was a part of you
But you tossed me to the side like I was yesterdays news
You yelled at me when you were drunk and said I was worthless
Instead of I love yous I got screams and curses
Now you claim you don't know why I am so messed up
Why I can love why I cant stand to be touched
Why I said I wish my life was just over why I wish it was thru
Its because I realized I am turning out to be just like you

Ghosts

By Jamie Marie Curtis
All the ghosts, the ones in my past haunt my soul
there to hard to let go
and they eat at me and tear me apart from myself
bits and pieces of
what I once was go away so slow
I stand still in the silence
weeping and begging for death
to come take me away
and I am still here looking for a sign
drifting in a trance thru all the days
a reason to believe something to cling to
its so hard to find in my nothingness
my existence so far beyond what people think
a fake smile upon my tired face
I think I should take a few pills
and drift off in space
its so much easier that way no one around
the voices of my ghosts are the only sound