take that

Tomorrow I will be 34, I have had some very proud times in my life. Getting married, having my 3 children, almost finishing college. But with the good there is also bad. I have experienced
Loneliness
Hurt
Anguish
Abandonment
Abuse both sexual and emotional

Yet I tried my whole life to spare the feelings of those who caused most of my pain. I can honestly say that most of my time on this earth has been spent begging to either die or just be loved, things that should be a god given right. I have tried to smile in the face of pain and pretend to be ok, and on occasion lied to protect people or tell them what they want to heat out of fear.

I love my daddy more than anything but one thing haunts me I never got to say how much he hurt me. Seeing him drunk telling me I am fat ugly or worthless. I never said one word I pretended. I wouldn’t change the fact that I know deep down below all that he really loved me.

I have had the privilege of having 2 sisters that love me as well one is gone, dead and I will never see her again she was my best friend. The other lives a few hundred miles away and I never  get to se her. I can tell she does care because she is honest with me about how my family talks about me and says how much of a failure and liar I am. I lied about family sexually abusing me till the scum admitted it then it was and I quote “get over it” I lie about having lupus well that deserves no explanation. Why would I lie about being sick? I suppose I made up all the times I have been in the hospital and on the vent, or all the surgeries I had too?

Next thing you say I am unstable? Really I fucking wonder why? Maybe because of the years of hurt and abuse I have endured at your expense? Do you honestly think your hands are clean? Does it make you feel better to make fun of me?  You call yourself family. I have family we may be redneck and right down assholes sometimes, but you are NOT family you are nothing but worthless pieces of shit it a soulless body, pretending to be human. You are nothing but a JUDAS. I hope one day you feel one ounce of what I am feeling now. When you do remember my face and my tears. Remember that little girl setting in the corner crying because she had no one. Remember the times you turned your back on me and left me to suffer alone. That little girl is still here still crying on the inside. I wont give your sadistic asses the pleasure of seeing that part of me.