one of the best days of my life

As I set here thinking about what I can possibly say about my birthday, this has been one of the best days of my life. My children showed me so much love today. As did my friends and family, I feel as if I am loved and I have something to hold on to. They say God gives you what you need at the moment you need it and when its Gods time to give it he does. Today I have love not only for everyone but I have friends I can count on to be there for me and love me regardless of my flaws. The out  pouring of messages on face book from everyone well I am in tears I know I am repeating myself. Its just been so long since I felt that I was worthy of love or worthy to receive blessings today I got that. Thank you all from my heart to yours I love you. Today is a special day.

take that

Tomorrow I will be 34, I have had some very proud times in my life. Getting married, having my 3 children, almost finishing college. But with the good there is also bad. I have experienced
Loneliness
Hurt
Anguish
Abandonment
Abuse both sexual and emotional

Yet I tried my whole life to spare the feelings of those who caused most of my pain. I can honestly say that most of my time on this earth has been spent begging to either die or just be loved, things that should be a god given right. I have tried to smile in the face of pain and pretend to be ok, and on occasion lied to protect people or tell them what they want to heat out of fear.

I love my daddy more than anything but one thing haunts me I never got to say how much he hurt me. Seeing him drunk telling me I am fat ugly or worthless. I never said one word I pretended. I wouldn’t change the fact that I know deep down below all that he really loved me.

I have had the privilege of having 2 sisters that love me as well one is gone, dead and I will never see her again she was my best friend. The other lives a few hundred miles away and I never  get to se her. I can tell she does care because she is honest with me about how my family talks about me and says how much of a failure and liar I am. I lied about family sexually abusing me till the scum admitted it then it was and I quote “get over it” I lie about having lupus well that deserves no explanation. Why would I lie about being sick? I suppose I made up all the times I have been in the hospital and on the vent, or all the surgeries I had too?

Next thing you say I am unstable? Really I fucking wonder why? Maybe because of the years of hurt and abuse I have endured at your expense? Do you honestly think your hands are clean? Does it make you feel better to make fun of me?  You call yourself family. I have family we may be redneck and right down assholes sometimes, but you are NOT family you are nothing but worthless pieces of shit it a soulless body, pretending to be human. You are nothing but a JUDAS. I hope one day you feel one ounce of what I am feeling now. When you do remember my face and my tears. Remember that little girl setting in the corner crying because she had no one. Remember the times you turned your back on me and left me to suffer alone. That little girl is still here still crying on the inside. I wont give your sadistic asses the pleasure of seeing that part of me.

letter to my abuser

To my abuser, Also to the one that died yet raped me for years...
because you have decided to try and add me on facebook, I thought it necessary to get a few things out in the open. I have tried around family to pretend I am ok, what you did to me as a child was wrong on so may levels. You terrorized me traumatized me and tried your hardest to destroy me a little at a time which I am sad to say you gained great success at. I do however have a few questions, I need answers to I think you at least owe me that much. If you don't answer I will understand and eventually get past it someday, and I will not mention your names here because you are family members and I have many of your family members on my facebook as well, they may or may not know what a monster you all are. I am sure when they read what I have to say it won't be hard to figure out.

1. To my aunt... What made you think it was ok to “french kiss a 6 year old and touch me inappropriately?
2. To her son why did you choose me to fondle, rape, and do sadistic things to me that I can't even mention here?
3. To the one that died... I hope you see this from hell which is where you belong... Why did you rape me then decide it was better to threaten to kill my daddy, and everyone who cared for me? At your funeral I did find out I was not your only victim, yet your family read your eulogy and put you on a pedestal? How was that fair?

I just really don't understand you, you were my family you were supposed to protect me, a child yet you tore me down to nothing. I still have nightmares and flash backs. Some days my husband can't touch me, someday even people who try hard to love me and care for me can't because I can't believe them. Even my children have suffered because of what you did, I have been so low all I want to do is sleep and never wake up, I have a drug problem which I am working on a little at a time,but that started because it was easier to pop a pill rather than deal with the pain. I even tried to kill myself which I now see was a weakness on my part that means you win.

Yes I feel abandoned my “most” of my family because you called me a lair about several things, and tried to tell me get over it. Well let me tell you I don't have to get over it I was abused and thrown away like trash. Its taken me years to write this. I know I am supposed to forgive you, but rest assured I have not made it to that point yet. I may never get to that point. In fact if I could I would inflict pain on you endlessly as long as I could just to make you feel one ounce of what I live every day. I could go into further details but they would be way to graphic for facebook.

To my family that is reading this, if you went thru what I did and “got over it” good for you. I am not you. I am not strong. I am hurt. So don't tell me how to feel. To the ones that know said family and who I am talking about hate me if you will, and I am sorry for you if this causes you pain that isn't my intention.

Our right to die

When we think of freedom of choice what comes to mind? Freedom to vote, the choice to get married and start a family? In America, we even have the right to abort a fetus. Why then should we not have the freedom to die?

The word suicide usually brings about images and thoughts of a depressed, lonely person, simply mad at the world for their existence. This is a huge misconception; there is another side to the act of suicide. A side that brings the cease of pain and drawn-out death, an act of self-love when one can no longer bare the burdens of suffering. As a human death is something that no one can or will escape, but the right to die with dignity is defiantly at stake without much needed legal reform we will be robbed of an important decision.

In my own life experiences as a daughter of someone who was forced to suffer a slow and agonizing death against his will, and a woman who suffers from a painful and potential debilitating illness, for which there is no cure. I fully support and defend my right to die with dignity and pride when I choose to do so.

The Facts

A majority of people in the United States die in pain, drawn out due to their desires and wishes being ignored. (www.religioustolerence.org) when my father became ill in 2005 after a minor outpatient procedure, he had to be put on life support. When my father would wake up he would try to pull out the ventilator, he was in a lot of pain and was suffering a great deal, but to my dismay, I had no say- so over his care because of the lack of a present living will. As time passed, he was weaned off the life support machine and had to have a tracheotomy, feeding tube, and several other procedures. My father was no longer able to speak, he could not walk, and all he was left to do was suffer in a

nursing home. My father then began to take out the tracheotomy tube with each attempt he made he was labeled as senile. My father was not crazy he had just had enough. He had enough suffering, enough being someone who simply existed. Eventually my dad began to speak and let the doctors know that he was done, me in my selfishness wanted to keep him here with me longer. In just a little bit over a year after this horrific ordeal, he passed away. My father spent many needless days and months suffering I cannot imagine being forced into such a position.

There are several types of euthanasia, Voluntary euthanasia, when the person who is killed has requested to be killed. Non-voluntary When the person who is killed made no request and gave no consent. Involuntary euthanasia When the person who is killed made an expressed wish to the contrary. Assisted suicide someone provides an individual with the information, guidance, and means to take his or her own life with the intention that they will be used for this purpose. When it is a doctor, who helps another person to kill himself or herself it is called "physician assisted suicide." Euthanasia by Action Intentionally causing a person's death by performing an action such as by giving a lethal injection. Euthanasia by Omission Intentionally causing death by not providing necessary and ordinary (usual and customary) care or food and water. (www.euthanisia.com/definitions)

Although there are several places where voluntary euthanasia is legal, almost all fifty of the United States has laws that make physical assisted suicide illegal. There have been many lawsuits and criminal court proceedings ruling against this act of compassion. One of the most famous is that of Dr. Jack Kevorkian, when he assisted in the suicide of a terminally ill patent with Lou Gering's disease. As a result of this televised assisted

suicide, Kevorkian was charged with first degree murder, and convicted of murder in the second degree in March of 1999. Even though he was labeled as a murder and criminal, it is my sole belief that this was an act of compassion and mercy. To this day Kevorkian supports the right to die with dignity.

The Argument

Politicians and religious fanatics alike oppose the right to die movement. It is said that one who wants so much to die is only crying out for help. (www.humanlife.org) On a religious basis, there are two arguments usually present. One is that Life is a gift from God, and that "each individual [is] its steward." Therefore, anyone who takes a life is committing a mortal sin against God. (www.religioustolerence.org) The second argument is that “God will never give you more than you can handle, everything happens for a reason”. Most religious statements about suicide are merely scare tactics such as “you will go to hell.” On the other hand, from a personal standpoint, I cannot see that God would want anyone to suffer. The struggles of mankind are not from God therefore, why would God want to punish someone who is only doing what is best to keep them from suffering?

Families of people suffering are sometimes selfish as I once was. It is believed that you should keep your family close to you and at any cost preserve life. As someone who was once in this position I can now see how truly wrong I was. As someone suffering from Lupus SLE, I can see that when I become too ill to take care of myself I would rather be dead than be a burden on my husband and children. I would much rather their memories of our time together be happy ones not ones of me in a bed dying a slow

and painful death. Where they would have to feed me or possibly watch me starve. I could never put anyone I care for in that type of physical and emotional turmoil.

The government is taking steps to legalize euthanasia in the United States. On March 6, 1996, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals found in the Fourteenth Amendment a "liberty interest" in assisted suicide for mentally competent, terminally ill adults seeking to determine the timing and manner of their deaths. However, in the summary (lettered H) of Part IV ("Is There a Liberty Interest"), Judge Stephen Reinhardt writes in his majority opinion, "Our conclusion is strongly influenced by, but not limited to, the plight of mentally competent, terminally ill adults. We are influenced as well by the plight of others, such as those whose existence is reduced to a vegetative state or a permanent and irreversible state of unconsciousness." He further regards the decision of a surrogate decision-maker as equivalent to that of the patient, thus allowing someone else to beg the "liberty" of death for another unable to do so for himself. The ruling thereby erases the line between voluntary and involuntary killing and invites future cases to challenge the supposed limit to the competent, terminally ill. Judge Roger Miner, writing the majority opinion for the Second Circuit, issued April 2, finds no "liberty to die" in the Due Process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. (www.pregnantpause.org)

We as a society are still very far away from legalizing assisted suicide. Perhaps if these members of our government were forced to suffer for twenty-four hours they would be able to show a little bit of compassion for humanity. A case in which the government was recently involved was that of Terri Schivo, A woman who was severely brain damaged in an accident in 1990. The controversy came about when the husband who says, “Terrie would not want to live this way” disagreed with her parents who were

willing to do anything to keep their daughter alive. Congress became involved when the court battles between the husband and the parents could not agree. After due process was reached and the Supreme Court refused to hear the case, Terrie was allowed to die. It is unfortunate that the whole situation could have been avoided if there had been a living will before her accident.(www.deathwithdignaty.org)

Euthanasia’s Past

Because of euthanasia throughout history, there is much negativity surrounding the subject. In October 1939, Adolph Hitler ordered widespread “mercy killings” of the sick and disabled. Termed “Akiton T 4, the Nazi movement planed to kill those that were deemed “life unworthy of life.” (www.euthanasia.com) This program began with young children from newborn to three years old who showed signs of disabilities being killed. Eventually the program extended to older children and adults with illnesses. Hitler however had ulterior motives in his orders to euthanize. Hitler wanted a pure race, free of illness. The morality of Hitler was defiantly imbecilic.

Positive Legalized Euthanasia Outcomes

Even though there are, people in the world who will take advantage of legalized assisted suicide the benefits outweigh the possibilities of death in the wrong hands. If you ask a person who is suffering, and has no will to live, what they think about dying they would more than likely say let me die. Suffering is not a way of life. When someone is faced with the fact, they are dying slowly, most spend their time tying up loose ends, and then they prepare themselves for death. In some cases, death does not come easy. Legalized euthanasia would help end the suffering of these people.

The Netherlands became the first country in the world to legalize physician-assisted euthanasia. There are strict guidelines that must be upheld. The patient must be terminally ill with no possibility of recovery. The patient must be under the care of a physician for a certain amount of time. In addition, the patient must make a request from their physician to have assisted suicide. With guidelines such as these, a euthanasia program in all fifty of the United States would be successful.

In conclusion, I cannot imagine being forced to live against my will. I believe that voluntary euthanasia should be a legalized right. Consider the person who you may or may not know lying in the bed suffering in pain wanting nothing more than to die in peace and with dignity. It would be a great injustice to them or to any other living creature to force this suffering upon them.