A life of pain...

After 33 almost 34 years, I can honestly say I an exhausted. I am tired of being what I am or for better words who I am. Searching for answers when I am to terrified to ask the questions. Maybe its not meant for me to know all the answers, maybe I can’t handle it all. I just don’t understand myself I should be badgering the people who have had a part in destroying me, but I cant because then I would feel guilty at the thought of causing them only one ounce of pain. I am able to be frustrated and sometimes down right mean to my husband and children, of course I feel guilty, but these are the ones who I should embrace and I am too scared to love or feel loved, then get angry when they don’t deliver. On the other hand it doesn’t bother me at all to get hateful with them, and not the people whom my anger should be directed. Even my own father who I knew deep down loved me, was fucked up in the head an addict. I swore I would never turn into that person and here I am fighting everyday for my sobriety. Its been one week sense I deiced I had a problem, and I have been a mess, I have been mean, and been unreasonable. I put myself here why should I expect sympathy. Its been a long week with out the comfort of numbing the pain away with this pill or that pill. Or even this person or that person who may not know the real me but accept me and tell me they care, people who I sometimes turn to when I know or feel I have no one else. This is something I have always done, but it hurts the most important people in my life, and I can’t fix any of it. I am so broken, but put on a strong face for my family in the hopes they wont see who or what I really am. The question is how to I fix it? How to I move on knowing what the risks are? I know what it is I should do, I should make everyone stop suffering including myself, but with that  may come some pain also. There are pieces of me scattered all around and I am trying so hard to pretend I got it all together, like when he kisses me and holds me, I feel so safe and so loved, and I cant give him all of me because I know I would hurt him. I am tired of hurting him, even if he has hurt me, I know he  didn’t really mean to. I am not perfect I will never be perfect, or even worthy of love in my own eyes, I want it but will not let myself feel it because I know it don’t last forever, eventually everything you love gets taken and torn from you, including people. I recently wrote a letter to my abusers and made it a public post, the only person who responded with love was my sister Lisa, and her caring meant everything to me. Something she will never know, because I cant express how loved that made me feel. There were always two people I could turn to and open myself to Lisa, and Leigh ann.. Now that Leigh is gone I shut the door on allowing people to care. My mom will never know the pain I have had at her hands, and never will. I do harbor resentment, simply because she brought me into the world then decided I wasn’t worth the risks, or love that comes with being a full time mom. I feel like she chose her own happiness, which I know she deserves over that of a scared little girl. I never told my dad how much he played a part in my destruction, I kept my words kind even at the end when I just wanted to ask him how can you do those things and hurt me like you did?
His games of manipulation, and guilt trips are still with me and I try to steer clear of being like either of them. I know what my “other family” says about me,  how they call me liar, and everything I say is made up for attention. I know how they talk about me even if I never go see them, still they cant even care for me.  Id like to  say to them one day you will see and feel my suffering and feel bad, but I doubt they would feel bad at all. As I set here crying and writing this my children and husband sleep sound, not knowing I’m in here in so much  physical and emotional anguish I just wish would end. They get tired of seeing it and get tired of living with my pain everyday, so as I finish I will put on a happy face a  mask if you will and pretend I am ok just for today. Maybe tomorrow I will find the strength to put the mask on again, even when I cant bare another second of this.