the short version of my story

A lot of you already know my story, some don’t. Because some are curious I will attempt to give you the cliffs notes version.

My mom left my dad at a very early point in my life, he was a terrible alcoholic, and could not take care of him self let alone a young little girl. Because of this position I felt like a possession to him and a unwanted parasite to her. Although he passed away in 2006, I am still very angry at the choices he made as well as the choices my mom made. I am not certain as if I will ever be able to say the things I need to say to her.

A few years after their divorce I was raped repeatedly by family members whose names I won’t mention out of respect for others. I was forced to have sex with men, women, a teen age boy, and even a German Sheppard at one point. They took photos. My whole life I have told people, and of course they don’t believe a word of it. But I know my truth and my hell. I live it every day. Some nights I still have flash back of the horrific things they did.

Because of being raped I became pregnant at 13 and shortly after my 14^th birthday I had to get an abortion. This is a choice that no one especially a child should have to deal with. I still think of what ifs. Because of all of these points I became a drug addict at only 14. I also began to be very promiscuous and didn’t care about myself. At 15 I became pregnant again with my oldest child Stacy, I had her at 16, and Kristen was born when I was 17 and Cynthia when I was 19. Rocky and I married when I was 16, and have been married now for 18 years.  We have lost 3 children due to miscarriage in the last 10 years.

I still struggle with the drug daemons, and am not completely healed. Stacy got married this year in (2012) this has been a very bad year because of not only the changes, but also my lupus. I found out I had SLE in 2004 after my step sister died of it in 2001. Leigh Ann was my best friend. This week she will be gone for 11 years, and my heart breaks for that loss all the time. I have trouble walking some days I don’t feel like getting out of bed, but I can’t give up!

Justice, and love!

Sometimes it takes nothing more than a child to make you see what you fear most in the world is just that a fear. Recently, a young family member faced the same tragedy I faced as a child. I have struggled with it for many years, too many years. She stood strong she was brave. I realize now that my abusers sins are not mine. What they did to me I should carry no shame. I should not dwell on the events, and allow them to torture me for the rest of my life. I should be proud, proud I carried on, proud I spoke up, and proud that I advocate for those who do not get to speak.  I have been told so many times I shouldn’t speak of such things because it’s the past it should stay there. When someone I love so much faced this heartache it all came back. To know the pain of a child who is scared and confused is the worst heartache, almost as painful as the abuse I endured myself. It is almost as if you are that child again and you feel a sickness in the pit of your stomach. She got Justice, while my abusers were not punished as of yet for what they did, someday they will pay maybe not soon but someday. Someday I will know they have received their rewards for the hell they inflicted on me. I am on no way a religious person; I believe in God, I believe that someday they will know the heartache I have. Maybe the punishment is not mine to inflict or give to them. Perhaps the ultimate punishment they get afterlife will be much more just, I cannot say that with certainly but that is what faith is all about hoping for something you cannot see. Today I have hope, courage, and I feel somewhat vindicated all because one brave little girl had courage and so much strength. While this has been horrible, and should have never happened, what she faced has finally begun my healing. I will not live in yesterday anymore I will live now. I will continue to speak up, I will continue to speak out, and I will continue to peruse my abilities to help those who need help at all costs. Another dynamic I was never given was a family that will not stop. One who stands by you and feels that pain with you. More importantly one who makes sure the one who is victimized gets justice, and so much love. I have always said I never had that or I will never get that. That is so far from the truth this family may not be blood, but they are MY family. We may not get a long all the time sometimes we even hate each other. I have to say though today I am proud to be part of such a group of great people. Not everyone can say that. Lastly my husband who has always told me this when I was down or hurting or reflecting on my past “I don’t have a family who cares” he would say “we are your family we are all you need” well he was right.  I am so proud of every last one of them, especially this child’s parents who did what needed to be done. They protected their child and seen that justice was served! One day this child will look back on this, maybe even with a heavy heart, and say this horrible thing happened but my mom and dad loved me and took care of it!

hurt me some more I can take it

I have worked so hard to get to the point I am at, does it really even make a fucking difference. To everyone around here I am never good enough or I am a liar. I struggled with addiction most of my life and when I am clean hearing I am high or hearing because I take my prescribed meds I am a druggie. I am so sick of this shit. It isn’t like its an easy battle to win, I may never have complete victory over it. I am trying but trying is harder to do when family is right at your face knocking you down every chance that they get.

I have a very painful illness I need medication which I don’t even take most of the time. Then there are certain people ALWAYS saying I am wrong about one thing or another. If I said the sky was blue they would swear its purple. I am so sick of all this nonsense I cant even have peace in my own damn house anymore.

Forget about telling rocky shit every time I try he bends and twist my words to make me be the bad person as usual. I cant even be me around him anymore, if im in so much pain I cant move well suck it up cause that’s what the almighty rocky would do.

Every chance joe gets he insults me. Something simple as mowing grass :your not doing it right” or even if he pays a bill we never hear the end of it. And its killing mine and stacys relationship. When I say I feel like running away I can feel myself getting closer and closer to just doing it . Honestly I don’t think they’d give damn anyway. Sure they say they love me, but never seem to show it.

Just once I want the man who holds my hand while I cry from pain or the kids who are wholeheartedly proud that Im not a druggie and appreciate what I do. One day will be too late and thinking I will get any different is pretty much a figment of my imagination.

6-6-12

Setting here writing this is something I thought I would never have to do at one point in my life. My dad has been gone now for 6 long years. I, as some of you know, did not have the perfect life most children have. I had an alcoholic father. I can’t count the number of times as a child where I would cry from worry. Worrying that he may fall asleep with a cigarette or fall down while drunk. I can aslo remember playing bartender at a very young age, as young as 5. Dad while in his own mind was an outstanding parent, wasn’t always so great. I think that is why it’s so hard for me to write this.

There were also some good times. Every summer we went to visit my aunt Hazel, she too liked to drink a lot. We would go to Ohio, Cedar point, or to visit his ex-wife Helen. At the age of 5 I was singing in a bar in Mansfield Ohio. The only song I knew was Elvira.

Growing up dad would also sometimes take me to work, I learned a lot about carpentry, pluming, and business. I got a job working at the vinyl siding place where dad worked when I was a teen. I got to write the contracts, and do sales.

One of the best memories I have of my dad was when I was 16, already married and needed daddy to sign a release for some records I was trying to get, he looked at me and said see you’re always daddy’s little girl no matter how grown you are.

The day my dad died on 6-6-06 I had gone to a funeral for one of my cousins on my mother’s side. While I had gone there with ill intention (I wanted to confront my abusers) I knew something wasn’t right in my mind and heart. The aunt that had abused me was there as was her children. I too had my three daughters with me. When it came time to talk to my aunt I stood firm, and told her exactly what I think of her. The only other time I have seen her was at my Uncle Glens funeral this past summer. I still felt eerie afterwards. We spent some time with my sister Connie, and the kids rode in her convertible, then she took us out for lunch. When we finally got home I saw that there were about 30 called from the nursing home where daddy was at. I called them back as I thought dad probably just wanted something. The nurse said I hate to tell you this on the phone but your dad died at 10 am…  This was one of the worst moments in my life, I broke down. Thank God Kristen was home and calmed me down. She as hurt as she was was able to hold it together. I admire her strength and how a child can be so wise and strong at that young age is beyond me she was only 11, at the time, and very close to my dad he was her angel as he always said.

Now 6 years has gone by, and it still feels like yesterday. I cant look at a photo without crying or hearing his voice. I cant help but think about how he was a drunk for over 50 years and looked at me proud and said I cant let my grand babies see me drink so I quit , and he did. Or the pride on  his face when he woke from comma and said I have been saved.

I love my daddy so much and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him..

I love you daddy…. Your little girl forever..

30 day day 2 fears

1. Chickens.  I tried to catch a baby chick and the momma flogged me I am still scared of them

2. Fires.. Not sure why

3. Dreams.. I have very vivid dreams and can tell how close family or friends will die in detail before it happens

30 day day 3 . Relationship with my parents

Well my dad was an alcoholic and my mother pretty much left when I was very young. I got to see her in the summer and sometimes for Christmas. I never really had "parents" I did have my aunt Mary who treated me like her own child and took me in. She tried her best to raise me right and teach me everything I needed to know to make it in life. She never had children of her own, but to me she was mom.
Later on  in my life my dad quit drinking, he was very sick and died in 2006. I loved my dad so much that I cant even talk about him right now he will be gone 6 years on 6-6-12.

My mom and I still don't talk much and even when I make and effort to talk to her its a failed effort so I finally just gave up. No use in putting my self through this anymore I am 34 now she never was in my life much why start now? My previous blogs about abuse ect. will explain all of this in further detail.

30 day challenge day 1.... List 10 random facts about yourself.

1. I was born on the first day of spring March 20., 1978
2. I have been married for 18 years.
3.I have 3 children
4. I have 2 pugs
5. I want a pet monkey some day
6. I will finish College next year with a BA in psychology
7. My nick name is Jamus and it makes me angry when people call me that
8. I almost drowned as a child
9. I think Jennifer Lopez is hot
10. I tend to give advise when I shouldnt

Why do I even bother?

. The time has went by so quickly that I almost can’t believe it. I was told today that I shouldn’t blog about personal stuff, so I thought I would blog about that lol. I get asked a lot why do I blog so much about so many personal issues, well let me answer that. My life has not been picture perfect, I was abused as a child, went wild as a teen, and struggle with illness as an adult. I am a very open person. One poster that responded to my blog made all the doubters, and hate that I have encountered worth it and with her permission I will share with you what she shared with me. This was from a 12 year old little girl. “I was just reading your blog and wanted to know if you can help me with something” me: sure what can I do for you? “My stepdad has been doing somethings to me for a long time and I wondered if you can tell me how to get help?” That is all of the conversation I can share as it is now a pending investigation. It took me years to get to the point to which that child is at. She is now in foster care, and in therapy. Because I shared part of me honestly and openly a child has gotten out of the situation she was in. So ask was my putting myself out there worth it all. I would have to say yes it was.

There are still something’s I don’t remember and probably don’t want to subconsciously but I do hope I can someday, as its part of healing. My family hasn’t always been there, but the people I have met online and shared with have 9 times out of 10 supported me and been there when no one else was. I am just another person online, I know I can’t fix everyone or everything, heck I am still not fixed yet if that is even possible. I am however trying, and working on me.

Now to those who have so many negative things to say, I usually don’t even give people such as you a second thought. I do wish some of you would open your minds a bit. There is so much evil in the world and our communities as it is. When people can be respectful (I am not saying I want anyone to kiss my ass) then it’s for the greater good. I know some of you are so miserable on the inside that you have the need to pick apart people, or judge them. You are the ones crazy insane and in need of help. I understand that, and if that is what you need is a punching bag well I can be that as well.