wishing just for love

I guess I am back to being an evil no account. I did something last night simply because I needed to feel well nothing. I wanted to know nothing just to forget the pain. All day yesterday I fought back the tears of rockys tirade, the health department telling me I HAVE to fix the septic system and my uncle running off at the mouth about money my dad owed him which I have no fucking control over. Then I go to vist and just be nice only to have aunt Merle tell me how stupid I am which is a CONSTANT thing with her. She is as miserable as I am and acts like the happiest person in the world the constant let downs are getting to much for me. I beg and pray nightly for death. My husband no longer wants me even though he claims he does its nothing more that words to get me to shut up. My so called friends well all they are about is give me take me loan me buy me.Take me to my boyfriends house that talked shit about you. Or the person that I told your secrets too. I have one that as soon as the words do not tell anyone come out of her mouth it flys out like a bird looking for a fish to eat. Now I can not trust her at all. I am about to tell her I know that is the end of our friendship but I guess its all about her anyway.   My cousin Mary actually makes me feel like part of a family why couldn’t I be around her more? I honestly need help all right help to be loved and accepted. No one knows what its like waking up daily knowing you killed your unborn child and now your teen age daughter is the same amount along as I was way back is making big plans and is so very happy. My mom can’t even put forth the effort to pick up a phone and call.Dont matter how much effort I put forth hell a fuck you or kiss my ass would even be nice at this point. Now for me and the big man *both of em)  God hates me this I am sure of I know who god is I know where he is yet again how can I unconditionally love something that never helps me as I cry out? Rocky well the no attention, I am so much better than you and in Gods favor is finally gotten me to my breaking point. I am proud of my husband every day but perfect is not. Normal peoples share intimacy he says I do not come to him why do that when he will make me feel worthless? Why allow it? One time I want to be the grown up bully not the little beat down girl I was. One time I would like to get out and run wild as I have been accused of. I mean here I am starving myself to make him want me. Do you think he cares? Not at all its just another lecture a mother let down and a mother pain I can do nothing about. When I say I wish I could die in my sleep I mean it. No existence has to be better than the pain.