hurt me some more I can take it

I have worked so hard to get to the point I am at, does it really even make a fucking difference. To everyone around here I am never good enough or I am a liar. I struggled with addiction most of my life and when I am clean hearing I am high or hearing because I take my prescribed meds I am a druggie. I am so sick of this shit. It isn’t like its an easy battle to win, I may never have complete victory over it. I am trying but trying is harder to do when family is right at your face knocking you down every chance that they get.

I have a very painful illness I need medication which I don’t even take most of the time. Then there are certain people ALWAYS saying I am wrong about one thing or another. If I said the sky was blue they would swear its purple. I am so sick of all this nonsense I cant even have peace in my own damn house anymore.

Forget about telling rocky shit every time I try he bends and twist my words to make me be the bad person as usual. I cant even be me around him anymore, if im in so much pain I cant move well suck it up cause that’s what the almighty rocky would do.

Every chance joe gets he insults me. Something simple as mowing grass :your not doing it right” or even if he pays a bill we never hear the end of it. And its killing mine and stacys relationship. When I say I feel like running away I can feel myself getting closer and closer to just doing it . Honestly I don’t think they’d give damn anyway. Sure they say they love me, but never seem to show it.

Just once I want the man who holds my hand while I cry from pain or the kids who are wholeheartedly proud that Im not a druggie and appreciate what I do. One day will be too late and thinking I will get any different is pretty much a figment of my imagination.

6-6-12

Setting here writing this is something I thought I would never have to do at one point in my life. My dad has been gone now for 6 long years. I, as some of you know, did not have the perfect life most children have. I had an alcoholic father. I can’t count the number of times as a child where I would cry from worry. Worrying that he may fall asleep with a cigarette or fall down while drunk. I can aslo remember playing bartender at a very young age, as young as 5. Dad while in his own mind was an outstanding parent, wasn’t always so great. I think that is why it’s so hard for me to write this.

There were also some good times. Every summer we went to visit my aunt Hazel, she too liked to drink a lot. We would go to Ohio, Cedar point, or to visit his ex-wife Helen. At the age of 5 I was singing in a bar in Mansfield Ohio. The only song I knew was Elvira.

Growing up dad would also sometimes take me to work, I learned a lot about carpentry, pluming, and business. I got a job working at the vinyl siding place where dad worked when I was a teen. I got to write the contracts, and do sales.

One of the best memories I have of my dad was when I was 16, already married and needed daddy to sign a release for some records I was trying to get, he looked at me and said see you’re always daddy’s little girl no matter how grown you are.

The day my dad died on 6-6-06 I had gone to a funeral for one of my cousins on my mother’s side. While I had gone there with ill intention (I wanted to confront my abusers) I knew something wasn’t right in my mind and heart. The aunt that had abused me was there as was her children. I too had my three daughters with me. When it came time to talk to my aunt I stood firm, and told her exactly what I think of her. The only other time I have seen her was at my Uncle Glens funeral this past summer. I still felt eerie afterwards. We spent some time with my sister Connie, and the kids rode in her convertible, then she took us out for lunch. When we finally got home I saw that there were about 30 called from the nursing home where daddy was at. I called them back as I thought dad probably just wanted something. The nurse said I hate to tell you this on the phone but your dad died at 10 am…  This was one of the worst moments in my life, I broke down. Thank God Kristen was home and calmed me down. She as hurt as she was was able to hold it together. I admire her strength and how a child can be so wise and strong at that young age is beyond me she was only 11, at the time, and very close to my dad he was her angel as he always said.

Now 6 years has gone by, and it still feels like yesterday. I cant look at a photo without crying or hearing his voice. I cant help but think about how he was a drunk for over 50 years and looked at me proud and said I cant let my grand babies see me drink so I quit , and he did. Or the pride on  his face when he woke from comma and said I have been saved.

I love my daddy so much and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him..

I love you daddy…. Your little girl forever..

30 day day 2 fears

1. Chickens.  I tried to catch a baby chick and the momma flogged me I am still scared of them

2. Fires.. Not sure why

3. Dreams.. I have very vivid dreams and can tell how close family or friends will die in detail before it happens

30 day day 3 . Relationship with my parents

Well my dad was an alcoholic and my mother pretty much left when I was very young. I got to see her in the summer and sometimes for Christmas. I never really had "parents" I did have my aunt Mary who treated me like her own child and took me in. She tried her best to raise me right and teach me everything I needed to know to make it in life. She never had children of her own, but to me she was mom.
Later on  in my life my dad quit drinking, he was very sick and died in 2006. I loved my dad so much that I cant even talk about him right now he will be gone 6 years on 6-6-12.

My mom and I still don't talk much and even when I make and effort to talk to her its a failed effort so I finally just gave up. No use in putting my self through this anymore I am 34 now she never was in my life much why start now? My previous blogs about abuse ect. will explain all of this in further detail.

30 day challenge day 1.... List 10 random facts about yourself.

1. I was born on the first day of spring March 20., 1978
2. I have been married for 18 years.
3.I have 3 children
4. I have 2 pugs
5. I want a pet monkey some day
6. I will finish College next year with a BA in psychology
7. My nick name is Jamus and it makes me angry when people call me that
8. I almost drowned as a child
9. I think Jennifer Lopez is hot
10. I tend to give advise when I shouldnt