sick of it yet im ok

I have been wanting to update this for a while and just couldn’t bring myself to do so because certain people like to start so much trouble. Anyway I am sick again there is a surprise huh? I like many others in my condition have to learn to be good actors. We have to pretend we are ok when we aren’t. I have so much on my mind I don’t know where to begin really.

1.      Rocky and I have been getting along for the most part; I still get annoyed at him sometimes and feel like he will never trust me.  Just one incident and I am a basket case.Also I am a little annoyed he won’t stick up for me publicly because of the next reason I think he should say something he never does.

2.      Rock’s family is causing me a lot of problems I won’t put any names here because I have more class than some of them, all I have to say about the situation is this. If you get ass hurt over every little thing said or in this case not said to you. Or if you get offended because someone won’t talk to you when you want then you have far more issues than I do.  Every time someone bad mouths this person I stick up for them and try my hardest to be there when they need me. All of that seems to go out the window as soon as you stand up for yourself. I get so sick and tired of keeping my mouth shut just because of rocky and my kids because I know just what will happen. Because they all hate me they will deliberately keep my kids from coming around. Yet you claim to care? Really do you care when you get out of line, and become rude? I can already hear that response “I didn’t do anything” well that is always your excuse you have never taken any responsibility for what you do wrong and its always you against the world. As usual you go back to your old antics. Deleting people and making the oh so classy public post about me.  What is next ? You gonna cuss and me like you did last time or hang up on my child like you did last night? You wonder why they don’t want to come around you a lot well here is the not so sugar coated version, although people love you they get sick and tired of you being so childish about everything and you get on peoples nerves quick. You say your feelings are hurt well YOU are an ADULT and can’t act as such.

3.      Now for the good stuff. I love my family and love that rocky is trying to support me and be there for me. I am going to try my hardest not to let him and the kids know how sick I am, and how much pain I am in. Or how much I am sick and tired of everything else. I am also grateful for my bestie AJ. She is awesome and is always there to help me.

Well that about sums it up………….

You have hurt me

As I set here writing this I realize not many people know or understand me at all. I have a huge family, one that should be there for me.  I love all my family even the ones who do not deserve a second glance or even my attention. Most of the years I have held  back the pain, words that I want to speak. Well here it is.

I got attacked by a family member on facebook.  How is one attacked well first she called me a liar,  walking pharmacy, insinuated that I am somehow stupid. Finally I took up for myself and used words of hate that I should not have done. Then my daughter took up for me. The neice went on even further to say I am pretty much a low life because I am from “Flat Gap” .  My fault totally that I do not go around my family. Let me address that one.

Why go where I am not wanted  and never have been? I didn’t ask to be “left behind” yes I realize my mom did what she thought was the right thing by leaving me with my daddy and don’t get me wrong I love my daddy with all my heart, but I needed a mom too. I am 34 years old and still feel like that little girl lost waiting on her mom to come save her. I didn’t get invited to important family events like most weddings, heck I didn’t even know my mom had moved. None of them bother to speak to me unless spoken too, with the exception of Lisa, and Leigh ann who died in 2001.  I spent one summer with my sister Connie when I was 13, and it was awesome I had a big sister and grew pretty close to them. Then the horrible things happened the rape, the abortion things I had no control over.

Another issue is the fact that they seem to enjoy calling me a liar about aspects of my life. Such as I wasn’t sexually abused by family members, and the biggest one I heard is that  I am not really sick and am making up having Lupus because Leigh ann had it and I want attention because I am sick in the head. To the first ask my abusers one of them is dead now obviously you can’t ask him. The others are still around. As for the second I can provide you with proof if you wish I will happily sign a release with my Doctor here in Paintsville and allow you to see just how sick I am. I didn’t just get up one day and say hey I need your attention I never had it why start now.

In 2006  when my dad passed I thought things would change as Connie, pennie, and even my mom came to support me for that I am grateful that was one of the very few times I  have ever felt like part of the family.

Now to address the other reasons

I know I am fat, I know I don’t look perfect some of you thrive on rubbing that it and can’t stand to make one nice comment about me. Being called a liar my whole life well after years of it, it kills you inside. I have a mental illness well that I didn’t ask for either. Sometimes when some of you come to KY you go out of your way to visit family members but never me, which brings me to the point of not even feeling like I am part of a family at all. Even at funerals I feel like an outcast yet for years when I have been able too I went out of my way to go anyway just to see some of you.

A few years back I wrote my mom a letter and told her how I feel and how it was a shame she is missing out on my three children.  Now people wonder why my kids don’t talk to you.  Its because you are strangers to them, and they see my pain and my tears and have suffered right along with me.

I may not be as intelligent as some of you, or have a car, money or even a decent home, but I am with my family my children never have to doubt I love them. Even my in-laws who get on my bad side time to time know I love them. That is how a family works.

So call me childish an idiot, dumb hick, or worthless and unworthy of love as you wish.  But don’t put the blame on me for things that was done to me for years and years. I shouldn’t care at all but when I hear that “even my mother hates me” and from someone else “Jamie lies about being sick to get attention” it hurts.  Rocky said I should just not let it bother me at all and not let it run my life; well I am not made that way. As for me avoiding seeing any of you well it’s a 2 way street I don’t see any  of you going out of your way to come see me or my children. Heck I don’t remember ever getting a birthday party.  I don’t remember anyone making a big deal about my going to college, or even a good job on any of my accomplishments. Maybe you should all think about that before you judge me.