I wish I was dead

I am so tired of the hurt. For once today I tought I would be wanted I went out bought sexy lingerie had a nice meal planned only to have it all fucked up. Fist I accidently almost sat on my grandson then I felt so shitty I cried for quite sometime. In the mean time he was biting his mom and being mean as all 10 month olds do. I had no Idea as I was in the other room. so I come in pick him up love on him because of what I had done and I get scolded as usual she is then looking for his juice which I know its exact location so I say move she then cops the attitude from hell which makes me cry even more did I mention that I am on a ton of steroids and pmsing all at the same time.so here he comes takes her side gives me the usual its all my falt I can almost quote him at this point. NOW today is our 20th so I had gone got my makeup done had a plan getting my hair done and she didn't do that because of the attitude from hell Just ask joe anyway that's neither here nor there throughout supper I ask stuff about memories no one would talk cindy is rolling her eyes as im choking back the tears stacys setting there being all stern and all I can see is how much he does not want me at all. anyway I try and put that aside after supper show him what I got and grabbed him for a kiss only to be what REJECGTED I know now that I have lost him weather we admit it or not he don't want to make love to a fat ugly slob who cries. I can not help the side effects he then says lets go to the living room ok at least its time together right his ass is laying here fucking snoring what is the fucking point I wasted almost 30 bucks trying to look good for him all down the fucking drain now huh he don't want me and hasn't for a very long time.  so there is more the day from hell 1. I stubbed my toe on the refrigerator and was accused of punching it a god damned lie then l knocked off my fucking coffie and scalded my self all I want is a damn hug no one knows or understands how it feels to be hated by everyone we have no damn privacy in this house someone always fucking takes "his" side cause poor dad works well I work my ass off too mabe not physicaly but I have bi polar steroids because my fucking lupus is out of control and no one to hold me love me and make it ok I have woken him 4 times so far I wont bother any more ill just go to bed lonely hurt with empty promises who cares right. I giver up. life aint even worth it honestly

My only friend

Just got done talking to my sister in law and came to the conclusion that she is about the only true friend I have. No one understands the hurt inside I have. I was told how they all set around and make fun of me how I cant be sick and have lupus because I am fat. Hard to be skinny when you are are on steroids. I hurt everyday knowing what they think of me. Truth is I should not care. My sister in law is more like my blood she listens to me and is just as misunderstood as I am. The one think I love is that she is listing to me while I cry on the inside because she is a true friend my sister and cares for me. People do her wrong too she is always the one to forgive. I wish I could have the faith she has. Maybe some day I love you (D) with all my heart. You seem to be the one who cares enough to listen.