A lot of you already know my story, some don’t. Because some
are curious I will attempt to give you the cliffs notes version.
My mom left my dad at a very early point in my life, he was
a terrible alcoholic, and could not take care of him self let alone a young
little girl. Because of this position I felt like a possession to him and a
unwanted parasite to her. Although he passed away in 2006, I am still very
angry at the choices he made as well as the choices my mom made. I am not certain
as if I will ever be able to say the things I need to say to her.
A few years after their divorce I was raped repeatedly by
family members whose names I won’t mention out of respect for others. I was
forced to have sex with men, women, a teen age boy, and even a German Sheppard
at one point. They took photos. My whole life I have told people, and of course
they don’t believe a word of it. But I know my truth and my hell. I live it
every day. Some nights I still have flash back of the horrific things they did.
Because of being raped I became pregnant at 13 and shortly
after my 14th birthday I had to get an abortion. This is a choice
that no one especially a child should have to deal with. I still think of what
ifs. Because of all of these points I became a drug addict at only 14. I also
began to be very promiscuous and didn’t care about myself. At 15 I became pregnant
again with my oldest child Stacy, I had her at 16, and Kristen was born when I
was 17 and Cynthia when I was 19. Rocky and I married when I was 16, and have
been married now for 18 years. We have
lost 3 children due to miscarriage in the last 10 years.
I still struggle with the drug daemons, and am not completely
healed. Stacy got married this year in (2012) this has been a very bad year
because of not only the changes, but also my lupus. I found out I had SLE in
2004 after my step sister died of it in 2001. Leigh Ann was my best friend.
This week she will be gone for 11 years, and my heart breaks for that loss all
the time. I have trouble walking some days I don’t feel like getting out of
bed, but I can’t give up!
